Redefining Trauma: Relational Trauma and Its’ Impact
What do you think of when someone says the word “trauma” or “PTSD”? You may conjure up images of a severe car accident, a war veteran, or someone who has been physically or sexually abused. These experiences are traumatic, as they threaten our sense of emotional and/or physical safety. To cope with that threat, our body floods with cortisol and we enter into a trauma response: flight, fight or freeze.
What we often miss when talking about trauma are the pervasive, day-to-day experiences in which, as children, we were not understood, seen, or emotionally cared for in the ways we needed.
Take for example, a toddler whose parent laughs in response to him crying when a friend takes his toy and subsequently tells him “you’re fine, stop crying.” Instead of receiving support from his parent in managing his feelings of anger and sadness about his toy being taken, this child is left alone to cope with his feelings alone. Furthermore, he is told he should not be feeling angry or sad in the first place, nor should he be expressing those emotions through crying. This child is now left to figure out how to suppress his tears, a natural and innately wired biological response. In this one interaction, this toddler starts to feel confused and ashamed.
In isolation, this experience may not have long-term impact. However, when these types of interactions occur chronically over days or years, that child begins to feel perpetually misunderstood, confused, and emotionally alone. This type of chronic invalidation and emotional misattunement from a caregiver is called “relational trauma.”
Despite the fact that there is no physical abuse or sexual abuse, and all of this child’s basic needs are being met (food, clothing, shelter), the experience of feeling chronically misunderstood, shamed, or emotionally neglected can have a significant impact.
Teens and adults who endure various forms of relational trauma growing up may find themselves experiencing:
Low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and self-doubt
Confusion about how they feel, what they think, and what choices in life are best for them
Difficulty maintaining healthy romantic relationships--feeling ambivalent towards their partner, having trouble being vulnerable, or picking partners who are invalidating and dismissive
Perfectionism as a way to gain approval or love
Substance use or self-harm as a way to cope and feel in control
Numbness, dissociation and being cut off from emotions
Trouble with memory or focus
Physical symptoms--digestive issues, headaches, chronic pain, etc.
Furthermore, individuals who have experienced relational trauma may go through life puzzled as to why they are struggling. Many say things like “but I have not experienced anything that bad” or “it’s not like I was physically abused or in a war or something.” This dismissal of their experiences only compounds feelings of shame and low self-esteem. Others may have hazy memories of their childhoods due to numbing or “cutting off” from their emotions.
Though the impacts of relational trauma are wide-reaching, I can tell you that it is possible to heal from this type of trauma. Therapy that focuses on building a safe and trusting relationship between the client and therapist has been found to have a profound effect.
Through that safe relationship, processing the wounds that resulted from relational trauma allows for increased connection with your emotions and ultimately with yourself. When we are connected with ourselves, we can have meaningful relationships and feel more at peace and alive.