Staying Connected with Your Spouse Through the Holidays
It is no secret that the busy holiday season can leave partners feeling disconnected from each other. Often during this time of year, our attention tends to be externally focused–whether you are buying and wrapping presents for kids, coordinating family/friend gatherings, or preparing food, you likely have less time to give to your spouse.
Furthermore, during gatherings, family dynamics can sometimes lead partners to be more focused on making sure their parents, extended family and kids are all doing well, at the expense of checking in with their spouse. While magically creating more time is unfortunately never an option, here are some ways to subtly shift this dynamic in order to have a holiday season in which you and your spouse feel more connected and fulfilled as a couple.
Adopt a mindset that your partner is your #1: Regardless of the time of year, having a mindset that you and your spouse are the most important people to each other is a foundation for staying connected. Think of you and your partner as the base of the house. If you two are tuned into each other (i.e., aware of how the other is doing, what the other might need and making attempts to meet those needs), you will be much better equipped to work as a team to meet the needs of your kids, your parents or anyone else. Before meeting the needs of extended family members, friends, or even your children, tune into your partner–notice how they’re doing, what they’re feeling, and try to help them with what they might be needing (even if it’s totally different from what you need).
Create small moments to check in: If at a family gathering, for example, step into an extra room or pull your partner aside in the hallway. Ask how they’re doing. Share how you’re feeling. Focus on validating your partner’s feelings (e.g., “I' get how that would be stressful”). See if there’s anything each of you needs from the other. For example, if your partner is getting overwhelmed by all the noise at the family gathering, offer to watch the kids while she takes a walk. If you’re wanting to connect one-on-one with a family member, see if your partner is okay stepping in for your food prep duties.
Make physical contact: Even when there is no time to chat, physical touch can be a powerful way to maintain connection. Touch your partner on the shoulder as you walk by him. Try to sit next to each other on the couch as the kids are opening their presents. Eye contact is also so valuable–make a plan to try to “catch” each other’s eyes periodically throughout the day. This can be a way of sending positive, loving energy each other’s way, in the absence of being able to talk or spend more time together.
Take time away just the two of you: There is no rule book for how holidays “should” look. You do not have to stay with the group the whole time and sometimes it can be refreshing to break away for a bit. If you don’t have kids, let family members know you won’t be there for part of the weekend and proactively plan something for just you and your spouse to do together. If you have kids, consider asking your parents or another family member if they would babysit while you and your spouse leave for some alone time (as brief as a walk to a night or two away at an AirBnB). Don’t have a family member that can babysit? Plan to wake up 20 minutes earlier and just sit with your partner without anyone else present–drink coffee together, talk, read while sitting side by side on the couch. Even 20 minutes can set a tone of connection and positive energy between the two of you for the rest of the day.
Wanting more support to build a stronger connection with your partner? SageWell Health specializes in working with couples to improve intimacy, bonding, and relationship satisfaction. Contact us for a free consultation to learn more.