When is it Time for Couples Therapy?
We usually know when to seek medical care if we’re sick or needing a routine physical. However, the couples I speak with are often not sure when to initiate couples therapy.
I see couples who waited months, years, or even decades to start therapy because they weren’t sure if it was necessary or were afraid that seeking help means their relationship is deeply broken. While this impulse to wait and see if things improve is understandable, what we actually know from the research is that the sooner a couple gets in to see a trained couple’s therapist, the better the outcome. Below are some common issues partners face where couples therapy can be extremely helpful:
Communication
You may be seeing an issue one way and your partner doesn’t see the issue or sees it in an entirely different way. An analogy I often use is: you might be looking at different parts of the elephant in the room, or you might be trying not to look at it at all. You may also misinterpret your partner’s intentions when they make a bid for connection. For example, your partner asks you to help them make dinner with the intention of spending time together; but you hear your partner asking for yet another task to be done when all you want to do is unwind after a long day. When we miss each other in communication, it can lead to cycles of conflict or emotional distance in the relationship. A trained couples therapist can work as a translator to help you communicate more effectively and feel more in sync with one another.
Cycles of Conflict
If you find yourself saying, “It’s this old argument again?! I thought we settled this last week!”, it might be time for couples therapy. You may have recurring conflicts about sticking points like the dishes or the in-laws. Cycles of conflict can also look like arguments about different topics that always play out in the same way (for example, yelling, storming away, or not talking for hours). Recurring conflicts can signal you are longing for your partner to meet a deeper need or to acknowledge and work together to heal a past wound. When cycles of conflict go unchecked, they can often escalate to hurtful interactions or emotional distance. In couples therapy, we’ll work together to uncover what these conflicts are really about and learn how to interrupt them so a healthier pattern can develop.
Emotional Distance
When you’ve tried and tried to work through an issue with your partner and it’s getting you nowhere, parts of you may begin to withdraw from your partner. You may also distance from your partner because of past trauma, work stress, or the demands of parenthood. Emotional distance can look like not spending much time together, lack of physical affection or intimacy, feeling that you’re not sure you and your partner truly know each other, or ambivalence about whether to stay in the relationship. A couples therapist can help you to rebuild connection through identifying the root causes of the distance and healing these factors, as well as teaching you new ways to connect and strengthen your bond.
Trust
Couples therapists often speak about how trust is integral to a healthy relationship, and for good reason. Trust is a pillar of the Gottman’s Sound Relationship House. Without trust, a relationship can become uncertain and unstable. Reasons to begin couples therapy related to trust include infidelity, financial issues, addiction, not feeling your partner is on your team in parenting,uncertainty your partner will be there when you need them, or a pattern of withholding information from one another. In couples therapy we can work together to rebuild after broken trust or establish a healthier foundation where trust is at the core of the relationship.
Outside Stressors
When partners have a lot going in their lives their “couple bubble” can suffer. You might start to turn away rather than turn toward your partner when you have a lot on your plate and many decisions to make. Even positive transitions, such as starting on a journey to become parents, getting engaged, being promoted, or buying a new home can uncover cracks you didn’t know were there. Couples therapy is an excellent place to focus on being each other’s safe haven as you weather whatever is coming up in your lives.
At SageWell we see couples for premarital counseling, “tune-ups” to keep your relationship healthy and strong, as well as on-going therapy to improve cycles of conflict and create a loving, secure relationship. We’d love to talk with you about what couples therapy could look like for you and your partner.