How to Cope with Unsolvable Problems and Still Have a Happy Relationship
Nearly every couple will face unsolvable problems in their relationship.
Couples may experience disagreements about parenting, finances, social life, household chores, religion, or even where to live. These problems are often rooted in fundamental differences in personality, values, lifestyle, or goals. Many couples that come into my office worry that the presence of these problems means their relationship is destined to fail. However, research tells us these problems do not have to spell disaster for a relationship. By understanding and managing these conflicts constructively, couples can actually create a stronger relationship.
John & Julie Gottman, founders of the Gottman Institute and respected researchers in the field of couples therapy, found that 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual problems. Perpetual problems happen over and over because they are related to fundamental differences in who we are as individuals. For example, you may be an extrovert, your partner an introvert, and you argue frequently about going out. By approaching these conflicts with an understanding that it is normal and even healthy to have differences, we are more likely to have a positive mindset about collaborating to meet each other’s needs. For an introvert and extrovert, that might involve learning more about introversion and extroversion; how both you and your partner are wired to regulate and recharge. The goal isn’t to change your partner’s nature, it’s to increase understanding do you can find long term solutions that work for both partners. You might find compromises such as going out together less frequently and the extroverted partner spending more social time with friends to help meet their social need. Partners could also work together to notice signs the introverted partner needs a recharge break in a social setting.
Sue Johnson, renowned couples researcher and creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), encouraged couples to focus on building emotional connection as she believed conflicts escalate when emotional needs go unmet. If we aren’t seeing our partner and hearing their needs, we aren’t able to communicate effectively about unsolvable problems. If there are emotionally charged differences in a couple, such as political or religious differences, it is important that both partners aim to deeply understand the hopes and fears underlying the other’s beliefs, even if you don’t agree on the beliefs themselves.
Stan Tatkin, creator of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), proposes that many conflicts in relationship are driven and made worse by automatic survival-based responses. If we perceive there is a difference, especially an aggravating one, between us, we may start to have a warlike “me vs. you” mentality. For example, if one partner has a different standard for house cleaning than the other you might start to think your partner is an uptight perfectionist or a disrespectful barbarian. To reduce these automatic fear responses, it can be helpful to come up with a set of shared values and rules that guide your relationship. Tatkin calls these the “Shared Principles of Governance”. You can create your own with your partner using Tatkin’s instructions.
Unsolvable problems are a normal part of any long-term relationship and it is possible to have a thriving, connected relationship amidst these problems. If you’re noticing frequent disagreements about the same issues, a couples therapist can help you to implement the above strategies, as well as provide tailored support for your specific unsolvable problems.
Ready to strengthen your relationship? Contact us today to schedule a consultation.