Talking to Your Kids about Sex Part 2: How to Have these Conversations
With so much stigma and complexity around the topic of sex, parents can feel very uncomfortable having these conversations with their children. In Part 1 on this topic, we shared considerations for WHEN to start talking to your child about sex and sexuality. In this article, we will go into specific tips on HOW to have these conversations.
As a starting point, we recommend finding a book that resonates with you, your family and your culture to use as an aid for these conversations. Referencing a book can remove pressure for a parent to come up with the best age appropriate phrasing. It can also minimize pressure for the child to have a response. Instead, sex becomes another topic you and your child are learning about together. Having the content presented by an unknown outsider (the author) allows you to stay in the role of processor with your child, rather than having pressure to deliver and process the information.
One book series we use often is called “The Family Library.” This series has three books for different age groups (“It’s Not the Stork” for ages 4 and up, “It’s So Amazing” for ages 7 and up and “It’s Perfectly Normal” for ages 10 and up). All of the books are rooted in science, have engaging pictures and are inclusive of all types of families, sexualities, and gender identities. Parents are often surprised at the level of detail included in these books. The belief is that in providing your child access to a book like this, their brain will absorb the content they are ready for. They will pass over content they are not ready for and will engage with it when they become ready. Allowing the topic of “sex” to be an open and on-going conversation is important, as children are continually developing and thus formulating new conceptions of the world and new questions about their realizations.
Here are some other tips for how to have these conversations:
Use anatomically accurate language: Children will be more equipped and confident around this topic if they are used to calling body parts their accurate names. Instead of using a funny or made up word for vagina such as “vv,” practice and get comfortable saying “vagina.” We also know using anatomically correct language can be protective when children disclose mistreatment or abuse. If a child has been calling a penis “toytoy” at home and then tries to report abuse to a caregiver at daycare by gesturing and saying “toytoy,” that caregiver may not realize that the child is trying to disclose abuse.
Follow your child’s lead: Just like learning about anything else in life, follow your child’s cues. If they are looking away and giving you signs they are ready to end the conversation, move on and come back to it later. If they are engaged and inquisitive, try to stay present and continue answering your child’s questions.
Set the stage for these conversations to be ongoing: Some clients we work with report they were given a book about sex, it was briefly reviewed by their parent and then the topic was never discussed again. While your parent may have had the best of intentions, we want this conversation to be open and on-going between you and your child. Children are constantly evolving emotionally and cognitively and need a lot of support making sense of their world. Just like anything else they are learning, we want sex to be a safe and comfortable topic for them to bring up with you at any time. In order to make it safe and comfortable, you often have to take the lead in bringing it up with them in the beginning. This can be easy if there is a natural opening, such as your child reporting something a peer said at school. If there is not an opening, you can reference your last conversation about sex and ask if your child has had any other thoughts/questions on their mind. As stated above, if they don’t, follow their lead and move on. If they do, you’ve just created a safe opportunity for another conversation about it. Next time your child might feel more comfortable to approach you with their thought/feeling/question.
Tell Your Child You Need Time to Think Before Answering a Question: Sometimes your child’s questions related to sex will catch you completely off guard. For example, a client’s 10 year old son asked her after school one day “Mom, what is anal sex?” It is okay in these moments to pause and take a breath. Tell your child “That’s an important question. I need a little bit of time to think about how to answer it. Can we talk about it after dinner?” This can buy you some time to regulate any feelings that may be coming up (for example, discomfort that your child has been exposed to a certain type of sexual position, behavior, etc.) and to determine how much information is appropriate to share, as well as what is the the most age appropriate way to share it. Consulting a sex education book, like the Family Library series, can often help with age appropriate language. When in doubt, ask your child what they heard or know about the topic they are bringing up. This will give you context about what misinformation you may need to correct.
Be explicit about body sovereignty and no secret keeping: Help your kids understand that their bodies are their own. Let them know no one (besides a doctor, see below) should be touching their private body parts. Talk about what an examination of private body parts at a doctor's appointment will look like. Help your child understand that even in a doctor’s appointment, the doctor will ask their permission prior to doing an examination involving their private body parts and that you as their parent will be present the whole time. Tell your child they should never be asked to keep secrets related to bodies or touch. Let them know that if another child or adult asks to touch their private body parts or asks your child to touch theirs, they should tell you about it immediately so you can help them make sense of what happened and stay safe.
Focus on feelings: It’s easy to focus on finding the “right” ways to explain concepts related to sex and sexuality that the opportunity to help your child process their feelings about the topic falls by the wayside. In reality, giving your child a safe space to process the feelings they’re having about these topics is just as important as going over the facts. For example, your middle schooler might share that one of her friends engaged in oral sex with a peer in her class and that “everyone is talking about it.” This is a great opportunity to ask your daughter what that was like for her to learn that and what she feels when everyone is talking about it. Again, this sets the stage for open dialogue about this topic–when your child has an outlet to process their complex emotions related to this topic with you, you set the stage for them to have a healthy, empowered and non-shame based relationship with their own body and with future partners.
Process your own relationship to the topic of sex and sexuality: Sometimes parents go into parenthood knowing they have trauma around the topic of sex/sexuality from their own life experiences (sexual abuse, religious shame around sex, invalidation of their sexual identity, etc.). Other parents realize they have stuff to process around this topic when their child starts asking questions and they feel tense, irritable, or dissociated. These reactions can be a sign that you need your own support and healing in order to be able to support your child to have a healthy relationship with sex and sexuality. Seeking therapy to support you in this area is a great start. A skilled therapist can help you discern where your reaction is coming from and what needs to be healed in order to allow you to be present with your child as they learn about sex, their body and their sexuality.
Have questions related to this topic? Want parenting guidance in this area related to your specific situation? Need support healing your own wounds related to this topic? We work with a lot of parents and are passionate about this topic. Reach out to schedule a consultation to talk more about what you’re experiencing and what you’re looking for.