Creating Shared Dreams in Your Relationship
Shared dreams are the foundation of a strong and lasting relationship. When couples have shared dreams and goals they are more likely to feel they are a team in life. Having shared visions helps couples more easily cope with hardships in their lives as well.
If you and your partner don’t know what your shared dreams are or have conflict about your dreams, this can be a sign that there is more work to do to deeply understand one another and your hopes for the life you are co-creating. Luckily, building shared dreams is a skill that can be learned over time.
The first step in creating shared dreams is for each partner to understand their individual dreams, goals, and values. It may seem counterintuitive to start with your own dreams, but knowing yourself first helps you bring your true passions and hopes to your partner. You are also better able to listen to your partner’s ideas and discern how those ideas feel to you when you have a deep understanding of your own needs and values.
Next, couples should create a space where dreams are welcomed and discussed openly. The key here is radical honesty. Sharing dreams can be vulnerable and some dreams may feel very far off. It is important that both partners feel heard and respected. Be supportive and curious about each of your dreams, the emotions coming up, and what it would look to accomplish a dream.
If you notice fear or anxiety coming up, get curious about where this reaction may be coming from. For example, if your partner wants to retire to another country, maybe you’re worried about loss of family connections or finances–or perhaps you had a different dream for retirement. These feelings are a jumping off point for open and honest dialogue with your partner about what you both want, and how you can come together to create a shared future. If you notice your partner is becoming worried about your dream, approach their fear with empathy and openness to facilitate positive discussion.
Last is the fun part–crafting your shared dreams together as a couple. This process can involve taking one partner’s idea and running with it, combining dreams, or creating a whole new dream together. Below I’ve listed a few activities that have helped many of my clients in this process. Once you have your shared dreams, write down steps to get there. Some may be doable in the present (for example, signing up for Salsa lessons), while some may involve more planning (such as building a beach house or opening a bakery). Break down the steps to get there and you’ll be on the road to making your shared dreams a reality!
Ideas for building shared dreams:
Dream Jar:
-Each partner writes down their dreams on slips of paper and puts them in a jar. Pull out a dream each week (or more if you feel like it!), be curious, and brainstorm about how you could make them happen.
Create a bucket list:
-Each partner creates a personal bucket list, then both partners go through and identify overlapping ideas as well as build upon each other’s bucket list’s with new ideas for a couples bucket list. Save your couples bucket list and cross off experiences when you’ve completed them.
Vision Board:
-Create a vision board with arts and crafts supplies, old magazines or printed photos and a poster board. The challenge is to communicate and make sure everything added to the board is a shared dream. Put your poster board somewhere you will see it and be reminded of your dreams. I’ve even had some couples frame their board.
-For a digital twist, create a shared Pinterest board and work together to add pins and notes that describe your dreams together.
Timeline:
-Create a timeline of your life together, starting where you are now (or looking back into the past at dreams you’ve accomplished) and projecting into the future. Add major milestones you hope to achieve as well as smaller steps to get there. I like to tape several sheets of paper together to create one long piece of paper for the timeline. This activity just gives you a fun idea of the timeline–it may not work out exactly as it’s depicted on paper and that’s ok.
Dream Date Night:
-Create a date night centered around the dream/goal you and your partner are pursuing. For example, if you’re planning to open a bakery, plan a date where you taste test different cake recipes in your kitchen or have a logo design contest. Even if you’re a long way from making your dream a reality, taking small strides together helps your dream feel achievable.
If you and your partner are in need of support, we are here to help. We work with couples in all stages of their journey together (from betrayal, to years of disconnection, to couples wanting to proactively enhance their communication and connection prior to moving in or getting married, we love supporting couples). Reach out to schedule a free consultation to learn more about how couples therapy could improve your relationship.