Old Patterns, New Boundaries: A Guide to Healthier Family Holidays
The holidays can be a time of connection, but they can also be uniquely challenging, especially when it comes to spending time with family. Increased time spent with family can revive old conflicts and patterns. If you no longer live with your family of origin (the family you grew up in), chances are you’ve changed a bit. You likely have slightly different habits, values, ways of interacting in relationships - but when you spend time around your family of origin it’s easy to fall back into old ways of being.
The holidays also come with an expectation to “be together” and “get along”, which can push people into old roles to maintain harmony, even if that harmony is uncomfortable for one or more family members. Certain behaviors or comments can bring up unresolved feelings, creating tension or leading to conflict.
The antidote to falling into these unfulfilling patterns is to recognize the role you’re getting drawn into, anticipate triggering dynamics, and establish boundaries to break the cycle.
Common Family Roles & Their Impact
In the field of Marriage & Family Therapy, researchers and theorists have identified several common family roles. Here are a few, along with how they show up and the costs associated with them:
The People Pleaser: Feels responsible for everyone’s happiness. Experiences burnout, resentment, and loss of self-identity.
The Scapegoat: Often blamed for family problems, regardless of fault. Struggles with low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness.
The Hero: Takes on the role of perfectionist to bring pride to the family. Feels constant pressure to succeed and maintain a facade of perfection.
The Lost Child: Withdraws to avoid conflict or attention. Suffers from isolation and difficulty forming meaningful connections.
The Caretaker: Prioritizes others’ needs over their own. Neglects their own needs, leading to emotional exhaustion.
The Mascot: Uses humor to diffuse tension and keep the family entertained. Uses humor as a defense mechanism, masking their true feelings of anxiety or sadness.
The Enabler: Supports or excuses problematic behavior, often to keep the peace. Struggles with guilt or helplessness, especially when their efforts to keep peace fail.
The Golden Child: Seen as the “favorite” who can do no wrong, often facing high expectations. May feel intense pressure to meet family expectations, leading to anxiety or fear of failure.
The Rebel/Black Sheep: Pushes boundaries, often in direct opposition to family norms, and is frequently labeled “difficult” or “problematic”. Often feels alienated or misunderstood, which can lead to further conflict or withdrawal.
Do you see yourself in any of these descriptions? If so, it may be time to set some boundaries.
Strategies for Setting Boundaries
1. Recognize Your Role & Triggers
Reflect and identify your typical family role. It is also helpful to identify the roles of others in your family. For example, maybe you’re the caretaker and make the entire dinner yourself every Thanksgiving. However, by the end of dinner you’re completely exhausted and resentful. The mascot then steps in to distract from your dysregulation with their humor.
Identify situations or comments that trigger old patterns. For a people pleaser, family members commenting on how great you are at making dinner or organizing all of the festive activities might make you feel pressure to do it all.
2. Set Clear Boundaries & Expectations
Decide in advance how you’ll handle challenges (e.g., Excusing yourself or saying “I prefer not to compare careers” if your accomplishments start to get compared to your sibling’s.)
Practice saying “no” or expressing your needs (e.g., Saying “I can’t join you on Christmas Eve because we’re joining my partner’s family to celebrate Nochebuena, but I’m looking forward to spending Christmas Day with you” or “I love hosting Hanukkah dinner but I need some help preparing it this year. I’m asking everyone to bring a side dish or dessert so we can all share”).
3. Reframe Your Role
Acknowledge that you’re no longer obligated to fulfill the same role you had as a child or take on a role as an adult.
Focus on showing up as your authentic adult self. This means saying no to any positives that may come with the role you’ve been in in order to reclaim connection to your authentic self and move away from the ways that role limits you.
4. Practice Self Compassion
Changing patterns and setting boundaries is hard work. It’s natural for family members to resist change or feel upset when you establish new limits. This reaction isn’t your fault and you are not responsible for alleviating their reaction (it's their way of adjusting to a new dynamic).
Be patient with yourself if things don’t go perfectly. Growth is a process, and there are inevitably always more opportunities to practice and try again.
When to Seek Professional Help
If navigating family dynamics feels overwhelming or if the roles and patterns are deeply entrenched, therapy can be a valuable support. A therapist can help you explore your family dynamics, identify triggers, and develop strategies to set boundaries effectively. They can also offer encouragement and accountability as you practice these new skills.
Are you looking for more support navigating tricky family dynamics? We specialize in working with clients on difficult-to-handle family patterns. Reach out for a consultation to learn more about what therapy could look like—together we can explore your unique challenges and develop strategies to help you set boundaries and show up as your authentic self this holiday season.